This Just In

Once considered the "best pound-for-pound sailor" in the USA, new evidence confirms "Popeye the Sailorman" may have been taking performance enhancers since as early as 1932. In a statement read by his Lawyer, "When Popeye lost his right eye in what he has termed "the mos' arful battle", his Doctor started him on canned spinach, not realizing at the time, what the product actually contained".

In his last fight with the bearded bully Bluto, he apparently inhaled a can of the leafy green vegetation known as spinach, through his corncob pipe just moments before pummeling the much larger sailor.

Recent pictures of the sailorman inhaling the leafy substance through his pipe have some wondering if his extraordinarily fast swimming (usually with the aid of his pipe as a propeller) was done while under the influence...

Even after a full public apology, Popeye lost several of his endorsements, but says he "hopes to continue to appear in comic books, television cartoons, arcade and video games, movies, and hundreds of advertisements".

In a brief statement, Bluto referred to his nemesis as a "one-eyed runt" who has "cheated his way through life". He vowed revenge and finished his statement by adding "Wait until Olive hears this!"

J. Wellington Wimpy, a hamburger-loving moocher who was often seen eating for free, had only words of praise for his sailor friend. When asked about the free burgers, Wimpy claimed he "always paid for his meals on Tuesdays"...

Popeye's longtime "goil", Olive Oyl, is not in the clear herself. Over the years her appearance has changed dramatically. Once thin and shapeless, she looked full-figured and glamorous in last years "Sailor's Girl" calendar, causing some to wonder. She has been known to eat spinach, and on more than one occasion, beat up her sailorman boyfriend...

During a television interview with a prominent, longtime sports writer, Popeye denied knowledge of the illegal substance and after several "under-the-breath" mutterings, kept repeating "I yam what I yam..."